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Merry Gasmas/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey, Brent. The Sears Christmas Wishbook is here. Brent Leroy: Excellent. Santa is gonna bring me a power drill. Cool. Thanks, Santa. Hank: Santa's gonna bring me a Boston Bruins scarf? I like the Canucks. Way to know my team, Santa. Brent: Santa's gonna bring me a treadmill? Geez, what are you trying to say, Santa? Lacey Burrows: What are they doing? Brent: I'm just saying Santa could look in a mirror. Wanda Dollard: They're picking out what Santa's gonna bring them. They've been doing it since they were six. And since that's where they emotionally peaked, it kinda stuck. Lacey: Oh, I see. Have either of you ever actually received a gift you pointed to? Hank: I pointed at a electric guitar once and got a radio. That was pretty close. Wanda: You guys are pushin' 40. Grow up, already. Brent: Well, pardon us, Miss Mature. Lacey: Oh, you know, that coulda been cute, if it was less disturbing. Wanda: Okay, you go first. Lacey: What? Wanda: You're gonna marry...whoa! Heh-heh! Nice moustache. Lacey: Okay. You are gonna marry...oh, some guy in plaid boxers. Wanda: Oh, thank you, Santa. Lacey: Oh, I can't make up my mind. I'm thinkin' of going to Toronto for Christmas again. Wanda: Suit yourself. But you'll miss out on a traditional Dog River Christmas. Lacey: What is a Dog River Christmas like, anyway? I bet it's great. Wanda: Oh, there's snow and, um, um... Brent: Wind. Sometimes it's windy. Wanda: Cold, usually. Brent: And then we eat. Lacey: Careful not to build it up too much. The Buckle Boy: But, please, can't we have presents on Christmas morning this year? Mr. Buckle: No. You know we can't. The Buckle Boy: But other kids do. Mr. Buckle: It's just too much money. It's just too much money. Young Hank: Can I please have this toy, just this one small toy? Adult Man: For the last time, no. Who is this kid? Quit following me. Lacey: So you have my cell phone number in case there's an emergency. I should be back in three, four days. Brent: Oh! So when are you gonna decide about going to Toronto? Lacey: Didn't you hear what I just said? Brent: I was raised to not eavesdrop. Lacey: Well, I am going to Toronto. I'm going to try catch the last flight. I gotta go back. Brent: Nothin' beats bein' with family for the holidays. Lacey: Yeah. Brent: Take me with you. Emma Leroy: Make sure the branches don't break. Or the needles! Needles can break. The lamp's gonna break! Oscar Leroy: I'm takin' a break. Emma: You can't just leave it lying on the floor. Oscar: Be easier to decorate down there. Wanda: Hey. Wanna see what I got my kid for Christmas? Brent: Is it something hard he can throw at my head? Oh, good. It looks hard and pointy. Wanda: You'd be hard and pointy too if you were Chew-Bot, the Robot Goat. Brent: Hard to argue with a statement like that. Wanda: Chew-Bot. It's the latest in the whole barnyard animal turns fighting robot thing. Brent: I didn't know that was a thing. Wanda: Trans-farmers? They're the hottest thing out there. All the stores sold out months ago. Brent: How'd you get one? Wanda: Oh, it was just a matter of analyzing the market data, spotting a trend. Wanda: No! No! Back off, or you'll be suckin' your Christmas turkey through a tube! Brent: You and your book smarts. Karen Pelly: I love Monday Christmases. Davis Quinton: No, Wednesday. It's in the middle of the week. It's when Christmas has its biggest effect. Hank: Hey. Have you guys ever thought about giving to the less fortunate? Karen: We're not lending you money. Hank: No, no. I was thinkin' we could get together and raise money for a family in need. Karen: We're not lending your family money, Hank. Davis: Which family do you have in mind? Hank: The Buckles. Karen: When did your family change its name? Hank: No, the Buckles, you know? They live in that big house on the edge of town. They always have all those old clothes and their kids never have the food they want. Karen: I don't know. Hank: Aw, come on. It'll be beautiful. It'll be just like when Frosty got his nose and he was able to lead the sleigh. Davis: That story always chokes me up. Oscar: Geez, this tree smells good. It smells so real. Emma: Real trees have a tendency to do that. Brent: Whoa, whoa! What are ya doin'? Emma: We're building a haunted house for Halloween. Brent: Where's our real tree? Oscar: This is real. Give it a sniff. Brent: I mean our old one. Emma: That aluminum thing? I got tired of it. We're gonna have a traditional Christmas, for once. Brent: Tradition? That was our tree since 1974. If that's not tradition, I don't know what is. Emma: Christmas predates colour television, you know? Brent: I know. It goes all the way back to Jimmy Stewart. Why are you trying to wreck Christmas? That's Dad's thing. Oscar: I never wrecked Christmas. Emma: Careful. Those knives are sharp. Oscar: Don't worry. Emma: This eggnog seems a little off. Oscar: Just drink it. Emma: Watch it. Remember what happened a couple of years ago. Oscar: Oh, you're right. Here, Brent. Emma: Good times. Brent: This new tree doesn't sit well with me at all. You guys can have your traditional Christmas, but don't expect me to participate. I mean I'll open the presents and, and eat the big supper, and have a couple a pieces of pie and everything, but my heart will be in the basement with a certain forgotten piece of aluminum. Oscar: Pretty high and mighty for a guy who can't handle a knife. Lacey: So, I wanted to stay in Dog River for Christmas, but I haven't seen my family for so long. The Regina Official: So you made a call. Lacey: They called me. Regina Official: No, I mean you made a call. Lacey: I don't follow. Regina Official: A decision. You, you made a call. Lacey: Yeah, I guess. Regina Official: Well, Toronto's completely snowed in. We cancelled that flight, we had to make that call. Lacey: You made the call? Regina Official: No. The airline made the call. I don't make calls. I mean I can make a call, if they want me to call somebody, but this kinda call is their call. They make the call, then they call me. Lacey: There's no way I can get to Toronto? Regina Official: Well, you could fly to Calgary. There are plenty of flights from Calgary to Toronto. You could easily catch one. Lacey: I'll do that. Regina Official: Your call. Lacey: Oh, you get a thrill outta sayin' that, don't ya? Wanda: Pow! I will punch you and chew you! Unngh, knung, knung, knung, knung, knung! No, no! It's Christmas! I don't care! I'm Chew-Bot! Aah-aah-aah-aah-ah-ah! I'll chew your face off! Help, help! Brent: What are you doing? Wanda: Nothing. Grow up. Brent: Does that goat have to be here? Wanda: Are you kidding? Do you know what I had to do to get this thing? I'm not gonna let anything happen to it. Brent: Then why did you take it out of the box? Wanda: Because I wanted to play with it. At first it's a goat. But then when there's trouble, it's a robot. And then when there's real trouble... Brent: Oh, cool. The head comes off. Wanda: The head came off! Brent: The head's not supposed to come off? Wanda: No, no, no, no! Brent: Well, they don't build robot goats like they used to. The Calgary Official: I'm sorry. We can't get you out tonight. The storm's totally shut down YYC. Lacey: YYC? Calgary Official: Here, Calgary Airport, YYC. Lacey: But I really need to get to Toronto. Calgary Official: YYZ. Well, the storm's not affecting YEG. Edmonton. We could get you to YYZ via YEG if you left YYC by bus. Lacey: I don't know what I'm agreeing to. But yes. Y-E-S. Karen: This charity thing at Christmas is great. I don't know why somebody didn't think of it before. Davis: It does give you a good feeling, doesn't it? Karen: But what I like is it's so convenient. Instead of running around buying everybody gifts, I just help out the poor family. I don't have to worry about sizes or colours. I just help out the poor family. It doesn't even have to be good, because for them anything's good. They're a poor family. Davis: So you're not getting me anything at all? Karen: No. If I get you something, all the stress is back. Who benefits from the charity then? Why? You didn't get me a present, did you? Davis: No. No, not at all. Karen: See? It's a good feeling, isn't it? Hank: I'm collecting for a poor family. It doesn't have to be money. It can be anything, anything they could use at Christmas. Emma: Anything? Hank: Oh, uh, I, I don't think they would want Oscar. Emma: The tree, idiot. Take the tree. Hank: Oh, good idea. Oscar: No. This one, Jackass. Hank: Mmm, aluminum. Wanda (phone): Lacey, can you do a huge favour for me? Lacey (phone): Wanda, is that you? Wanda (phone): I need you to get a Trans-farmer for me. Lacey (phone): A what? Wanda (phone): A goat that turns into a robot. Lacey (phone): Oh, I'm sorry. We have a bad connection. It sounded like you said goat that turns into a robot. Wanda (phone): I did, a robot goat. It's a toy. Lacey (phone): Oh, OK, so you don't want a real robot goat, just a toy one. Wanda (phone): I'm only asking because you have a better chance of finding one there in Toronto. Lacey (phone): Oh, I'm not in Toronto. I'm on a bus just passing Red Deer. Wanda (phone): Red Deer? That's west. Toronto's east. That will add 40,000 kilometres to your trip. Ah! Never mind. I'll find one myself. Lacey (phone): Wait. Don't go. The guy beside me won't stop talking. Wanda (phone): I wonder what that's like. Lacey: Hello? Wanda? Oh. Anyway, so I moved to this small town and I opened up the restaurant. And at first people in the small town wouldn't accept me. Hank: Hey, Brent. I'm gettin' everyone to donate food and presents and stuff to help a needy family. I told them they could drop the stuff off here. Brent: That's a nice idea. Warms the cockles of my heart. Hank: Yeah. What is a cockle, anyway? Brent: It's a thing in your heart, normally cold. Wanda: You don't understand. I need that toy. Clerk: I understand. But I'm sorry. Shopper: This is a unique situation. You don't understand. I need that toy. Clerk: I understand, but I'm sorry. Shopper: This is a unique situation. Davis: Can I at least exchange this for a man's watch? Yet Another Clerk: You had it engraved. I'm sorry. Davis: But this is a unique situation. Emma: Try this. Homemade cranberry sauce. Brent: Homemade cranberries? What kind of Food Network voodoo is that? Uh, cranberry sauce comes from a tin. That's the way it's always been. Don't you miss the traditional cranking open of the can, the sound of that red, jiggly cylinder slidin' out onto the plate and bloop? That's the sound of Christmas. Emma: Right now the sound of Christmas is you whining. Jenny (The Edmonton Official): I'm sorry, but nothing is flying to Toronto tonight. And that storm in Calgary is heading here. I wouldn't be surprised if we were closed soon. Lacey: I really want to get to YYZ. Toronto. Jenny: This isn't Calgary. We don't talk like that. Lacey: Oh. Jenny: Why don't you take this flight to Vancouver and grab the Red Eye to Toronto. That might get you there. Lacey: Might. Jenny: Yeah. Lacey: Well, I like those odds. Hank: You back already? Wanda: Yeah, yeah, rub it in. I didn't find the toy and now my kid's gonna hate me. I'm a bad mother, all right? Hank: Hey, look, I'm not trying to start a fight. You say you're a bad mother, that's good enough for me. Hey, ho, look at all this stuff! Boy, the Buckle kids are gonna be happy this Christmas. Happy kids, eh, Wanda? That's what Christmas is all about. Hey, how's Christmas at the Leroy home? Brent: It's terrible. Mom's makin' real food, right on the stove. They got a new tree. It's made outta wood. Wood! Wanda: This could be the worst Christmas ever. Hank: You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You got presents and food and money and friends. Wanda: We don't have robot goats, do we? Hank: You mean like this? Wanda: That's it! Lacey: Hi, there. Dr. Bill Henderson: Hi. Dr. Bill Henderson. Lacey: Lacey Burrows. You're a doctor? Henderson: Ah, that's right. Lacey: Oh. What kind, medical or... Henderson: Yes. Lacey: Oh. Henderson: I, uh, I specialize in cats. Lacey: Oh, you're a veterinarian. Henderson: But just cats, not dogs. They're rough and mean. I just love cats, though. Wanda: That's Chew-Bot! Hank: Well, you can't have this one. This one's for needy people. Wanda: Yeah? Well, right now I needy it. Brent: Whoa! Oh, Wanda! Come on, you can't do that. It's for poor people and it's Christmas! Wanda: You're right. Stupid poor people. Brent: That's the spirit. Hey, that's our Christmas tree. Hank: Yeah, your Mom donated it. Brent: Oh, well, you can't give them that. Hank: Yeah, it is kinda junky. You're right. I'll throw it out. Brent: That's not what I meant. Gimme that. Hank: No, I got it. It's okay. Brent: Give it here. Hank: You're breakin' it, Brent! Wanda: God bless us, everyone. Hank: You're breaking it. Henderson: They are probably the most amazing creatures. Did you know they're the only animal that purrs? Lacey: I did. Actually, I did know that, yes. Henderson: And do you know how the purr is thought to have evolved? It really is a fascinating story. Lacey: Yeah. Brent: How could you give away our tree? That's tradition. Emma: Before artificial trees, the tradition was non-artificial trees. Oscar: We used to call them trees. Brent: At least the old standby didn't get pine needles all over the place or ooze pine gum. Emma: We don't mind. It's Christmas ooze. Brent: Well, it stinks. Not the tree. It actually smells pretty good. But the rest of this stinks. Emma: Don't be such a crabby pants. Oscar: I'm just glad I'm not the one wreckin' Christmas. Emma: Give it time. Hank: Good haul. We should go take it to 'em. Karen: Good idea. Hank: Hey, what did you guys put in? Karen: Some food. Hank: What about you, Davis? Davis: Well, uh, I, uh... Karen: Davis, you didn't give them anything? Davis: I was just about to. Here. Karen: Wow! That's a really nice watch. It looks expensive. You know, I could use a new watch. Oscar: Boy, Brent is really wreckin' Christmas this year, huh? Emma: Did you water the tree? Oscar: Normally it would be me wreckin' Christmas. But it's him. Emma: And the cranberry sauce needs to go in the mason jars I left out. Oscar: Yep. He is really on the way to wrecking Christmas. Emma: More like his father every day. Oscar: Yeah. Hey! I'm on your side, here. Henderson: The, uh, visual cortex of the cat's eye, it's not that different from our own. Lacey: When a cat closes its eyes, does it look like this? Airplane Captain: This is your Captain speaking. Due to weather, we're going to have to stop in Regina. Lacey: Regina. Oh, great. Henderson: As I was saying... Lacey: We shouldn't talk any more, in case the pilot has something else to say. Henderson: Oh. Mr. Buckle: Yes? Davis: Hello. I'm Sergeant Davis Quinton and this is Constable Pelly... Hank: And I'm Hank Yarbo. I'm not a cop. And we're donating this Christmas stuff to you. Mr. Buckle: I don't understand. Hank: Well, we thought it would be nice to give somethin' to people who are needy. Mr. Buckle: What? We're not poor. Davis: Oh, no. We didn't say you were poor. We said you were needy. Karen: You're needy, aren't you? Mr. Buckle: No. We just don't wanna make Christmas a big deal. Hank: But I saw you at the Foo Mart and you said it was too expensive to have presents on Christmas morning. Mr. Buckle: Because we buy all our stuff on Boxing Day, when it goes on sale. Karen: Oh! So you're cheap, not poor. Davis: Cheap, not needy. Hank: Feels good, don't it? Oscar: Well, there he is, the guy who's wrecking Christmas. Emma: Did you pick up the turkey? Oscar: Too busy doin' other stuff. I'll get it later. Emma: 'Tis the season of miracles. Brent: Geez, your Christmas tree isn't lookin' too good. There's a nice silver one at the gas station I could bring by. Emma: Didn't you water it? Oscar: I have a lot on my mind. Emma: It doesn't take much. Now go pick up a turkey before I stuff you full of bread. Oscar: Is it just me, or is your mother wreckin' Christmas? Brent: No, it's just you. Regina Official: It looks like you're finally gonna make it to Toronto. Lacey: Yeah. I guess I didn't make the right call. Regina Official: Huh? Lacey: Remember, before, we were talking about makin' the call and you said you'd make the call, but not make the call? Regina Official: No. But I'm sure it was very exciting. Lacey: Well, I was talking to this guy, who's a cat doctor, and I was on the bus to Red Deer and I ended up in Vancouver. What am I telling you this for? I should be telling... Lacey: Some kinda cat doctor and I ended up in Vancouver. Brent: So you decided to come back here. Lacey: I guess all that strange stuff and weird people reminded me that this is home. Emma: That is so sweet. Lacey: Well, I'm rationalizing. Hank: Bad news, everybody. The Buckles aren't poor. They're cheap. Yeah, I still think we should probably give this stuff to someone down on their luck, though. Davis: We're not givin' it to you. Emma: There's a lot of stuff here. Oscar: Yeah. Check out all this crap. Wanda: Let's not. Davis: Yeah. Christmas is a time for not checking out crap. Hank: Hey, this is pretty nice. Davis, didn't you put this in there? Davis: No. Emma: This one's broken. Wanda: Let's sing Christmas carols. Lacey: Who would give a broken toy to a needy child? Karen: You mean a cheap child. Oscar: It's one of those motor goats. But its head's come off. Wanda: I think if you look in the neck hole, you'll see there's a 20 in there. Joy to the world, the Lord... Brent: I can see what you mean about the weird stuff reminding you. Lacey: Mmm. Lacey: Maybe Thomas Wolfe was right. You can never go home again. Brent: Who's that, some guy at the airport? Lacey: Mistletoe. Brent: Hey, is that fake or real? Because if that's real, it's probably my Mom's. Lacey: Mmm. I better take it down. Brent: Here, I'll get that. Lacey: Are you sure? Brent, be careful. Brent: I got it. Emma: Same damn thing every year. Category:Transcripts